Sunday, January 2, 2011

year end catch-up and reflection

week of monday 12/13/10
-56 miles

week of monday 12/20/10
-55 miles i think. i might done track stuff on tuesday, but i can't remember so i'm just leaving it at zero.

week of monday 12/27/10
-34 (unless i run today...sunday the 2nd) summary, i'd say i basically took about 5 weeks "off." i had been holding steady for a few months around 70 mpw, and around thanksgiving just nose-dived into the 50's (at best). in trying to put a positive spin on this, i'd say it gave my lingering calf pains time to heal up, my plantar fascia issues have almost disappeared and i've begun doing a lot more speedwork during the week. in addition to all of these past weeks, i'd add about 5 hours/week of strength training. overall physical strength has always been a strong suit for me, this summer i let it go in lieu of running and trying to lose a little muscle weight up top that i felt was unnecessary for my running goals. additionally, i had to stop core training for over two months in july/august/sept because of the car accident. my abs and ribs just would not allow even a single sit-up. now, however, i'm back and very interested in getting strong again. at heart, i am a laborer and i frequently miss the feeling of being on my feet 8 hours a day, doing very hard physical work and still coming home to run/bike/swim or whatever. nothing is as unhealthy as a job that uses only your brain. it is a dangerous organ that needs a strong body to tire it into submission lest it run wild and uncontrolled. it's 9p.m., do you know where your idiot brain is?

considering these things, i am not unhappy with the downturn in my running and feel pretty compelled to begin the new year fresh and focused. ironically, as i type this i have literally zero interest in getting out for a run today, despite not running yesterday either. i also squandered our two day thaw and did not get out for a solid 20+ miles effort...which would have been really ideal.

Main Point...i think:

this whole xmas/new year's break has really been about finally quitting methadone treatment and getting really and truly Clean. it has been really hard. very difficult to sleep at times still, despite the non-narcotic sleep-aids my doc gave me. even a long, solid night of sleep is weird, filled with bizarre and disrupting dreams and does not leave me feeling "rested." my heart rate has yet to come back down to what i had considered "normal." my blood pressure is also very high, but i can take a med to help that, too, if needed/wanted.

still, though, i consider this whole break a success. i mean, i'm done. like, really done. i don't have to go to the clinic every morning at 5am, feeling twitchy and sick, wait in line with some seriously fucked up characters (and some nice people, too) and wait for a nurse behind bullletproof glass to pour me a tiny cup of red syrup that gets me through the day and (hopefully) through the night. i don't have to get scared and freaked out when i miss a dose, because as the day wears on, i don't have to go through withdrawals anymore.

it should feel more like an accomplishment, but just feels like fixing something i broke. you're happy to have it fixed, but the bottom line broke it. you're back to square one. that's all. you didn't make something new. create something meaningful. there was no net gain. you were not productive. that's how i feel right now anyway.

i look forward to getting back to work and out of this meandering vacation drift. i look forward to running harder than ever before. i have tremendous doubt about my life. about my prospects. about whether i can make tangible, practical improvements to my quality of life. ...that is not a good feeling, but what can i do but proceed as best i can and hope?

i guess that's my outlook on the new year: tired, skeptical, slightly disinterested hope.

but not to end on a negative note. 2011...ain't nobody blockin' this shine. or something...

No comments: