Sunday, January 15, 2012

"Pine Needle Suppository" Week Ending 1/15/12

Sunrise. It's so hot here right now it's punishing. Brutal, brutal heat.

7am bus to the mountains. There's no laws against packing people onto these chicken-buses, so we had to stand for over 2 hours, in sweltering heat, as the bus skittered and bumped its way up a rutted dirt road to the trail head. No, you don't get a discount if you don't have a seat.

Quim, on the summit on Peine, with the now-defrosted Laguna del Alto below and our old friend Volcán Descabezado in the back ground. I wonder how tall it was before its "head" blew off?

"Never stop" - The North Shitfaced.

Mon- 8 miles to virgen, 1:00:00. 500 ft.

Tues- 1:00:00 bike. 45 minutes weights.

Wed- AM: Torres, 7 miles, 1:00:00, 1,000ft.
PM: Same.

Thurs- 8 to virgen, 1:00:00, 500ft.

Fri- 8 to virgen w/ Steph. 1:30:00. 500 ft.

Sat- 17 miles at Vilches Alto. trail head - Peine summit - Laguna del Alto - Enladrillado - back.
5:00:00, 5, 500 ft.

Sun - AM: 7 miles, torres. 1:00:00, 1,000ft.
PM: 8 miles, torres, but returned down the road from the Virgen. 1:00:00. 1,000ft.

70 miles.
13.5 hours (w/ the bike in there, but not the weights)
11, 000 ft.

Managed to string together 2 decent weeks of training. Actually, i'm sitting on about a month of decent running, so that feels pretty nice. Yippee.


You were warned.

Today's afternoon run (the last run of the week) started out normal enough. However, by the time I reached the woods and started climbing a bit, my guts started feeling shitty. I mean to say, they wanted to produce some shit. Hey, no big deal. So, I find a tree, center my chakra's or whatever and proceed to let loose a torrent of explosive diarrhea. It just kept coming. I thought I was going to blast myself inside out. I had no indication that this was going to be something really considerable and significant, I thought I was just going to take a shit in the woods like no big deal. Huh. Instead, it ended up being one of those really exhausting, emotionally draining shits where you feel sort of cold and shaky afterwards and like you just want to take a nap or stare off into space for a while. Even worse, I had picked a really bad place to take a shit, as there were no leaves or anything around to help deal with what had become a pretty challenging shituation splatter-wise. Hmm. Against all logic and better judgement, I grabbed a handful of fresh pine needles and attempted to use them like a whisk or brush or something and scrape my better half clean. What the fuck was I thinking? I pull my shorts back up and take a step from around the tree and gasp in pain. "Something stung me in my asshole," I say out loud. I reach down gently to confirm or disconfirm this hypothesis, when I discover (to my absolute horror) that I managed to stick a pine needle straight up my anus.

With a surgeon's steady hand, I extracted that little fucker and proceeded to have an absolutely terrible run. I don't know why I felt compelled to share this, but hey what the fuck. I can do whatever I want! ¡Libertad! ¡Arriba! ¡El pueblo unido nunca será vencido!

He's got the whole world in his hands,


JB said...

I laughed out loud, uncontrollably, for way longer than appropriate in a computer lab while/after reading that last paragraph. I, in all my stupid cultural blindness, thought maybe it had been contaminated water that caused such an explosion, but I think I should just get a life and start traveling to places outside the suburbs of Boston, Mass.

Thank you for sharing.

P. said...

well, it wasn't the water i don't think. i did, however, indulge in a completo (or two) after the longer run on saturday. up to that point, i had been on a strict no-completo diet and i think my guts had forgot how to deal with those absolutely abhorrent wieners. so...fuck dem wieners and fuck my stupid self for eatin'em.

Dave said...

EPIC. Best blog ever.

P. said...

Dave, coming from a running-blog literary titan such as your self, that is quite a compliment.

JB said...

Laughed uncontrollably again. This time, Cheryl, a new friend who works in admitting, came over and asked me what was so funny. So then I told her about my amazing ultramarathonner and we chatted for like 45 minutes. You are catalyzing new friendships from another continent.