week leading up to halloween, 10/25-10/31

40.5 miles for the week. i'm beginning to see a pattern here (higher mileage week followed by a lower mileage week). although, one of the low mileage days also included some additional cardio/weights/aerobics class (really?) and ended up being like a 3:00 workout. so the week was harder overall than my last low-mileage week. also, i had a day of really good speed work for the first time in ages, followed by 6 miles through the trails for a fairly rough 13 mile day. also got to do some hill repeats over at the bay for the first time in forever (because there are literally zero hills around me). so not a high mileage week, certainly, but some quality work throughout.

halloween was fun, went to put-in-bay for the festivities. a seed was planted while i was over there (no no, not that kind) and saw the bay almost all empty of tourists for a little while. i'd really like to go there this winter when the lake is frozen and do some running/snowshoeing/XC-skiing around the area, maybe across the ice to the different islands. i'm pretty sure i could find someone to let me stay at their house for little to nothing. anyway...it's on my mind now.

i also skipped two doses to go on the trip (as they wouldn't give me take-homes on such short notice). the last time i did this was for Run Woodstock and then by that sunday night i felt pretty horrible. this time, i felt even more out of whack. i think due to the doses tapering so rapidly and now being at such a low amount, it really is out of my system by morning (unlike before where i could coast through the day and almost into the next night on a single dose). two days off the stuff was not fun. what a horrible chemical methadone is. i now understand what all the forums and websites said about it...essentially that it's a necessary evil. i think the physical addiction is actually worse than with oxycontin, but it's something that is controlled and difficult to abuse. i really lost my shit by the end of the weekend mentally, felt horrible anxiety, like you're going over the top of a roller coaster over and over again. twitching throughout my entire body.

lastly...this past week or two has been really unpleasant. i'm losing my stamina in dealing with "everything." i had a solid couple of months where i could keep all parts of my life together and moving forward, but i feel a bit like i'm coming unwound right now. gabbo has been incredible: understanding, patient and loving. i seriously don't get her. i would have left me ages ago. i would if i could, frankly. "failed state," to use the parlance of our times. anyway, i need to do some real work now. stuff i've been putting off for weeks. re-organizing my ceramic kitten collection by eye-color now, just something for the autumn, i guess.

bleh. i hate when i write posts like this.