halloween was fun, went to put-in-bay for the festivities. a seed was planted while i was over there (no no, not that kind) and saw the bay almost all empty of tourists for a little while. i'd really like to go there this winter when the lake is frozen and do some running/snowshoeing/XC-skiing around the area, maybe across the ice to the different islands. i'm pretty sure i could find someone to let me stay at their house for little to nothing. anyway...it's on my mind now.
i also skipped two doses to go on the trip (as they wouldn't give me take-homes on such short notice). the last time i did this was for Run Woodstock and then by that sunday night i felt pretty horrible. this time, i felt even more out of whack. i think due to the doses tapering so rapidly and now being at such a low amount, it really is out of my system by morning (unlike before where i could coast through the day and almost into the next night on a single dose). two days off the stuff was not fun. what a horrible chemical methadone is. i now understand what all the forums and websites said about it...essentially that it's a necessary evil. i think the physical addiction is actually worse than with oxycontin, but it's something that is controlled and difficult to abuse. i really lost my shit by the end of the weekend mentally, felt horrible anxiety, like you're going over the top of a roller coaster over and over again. twitching throughout my entire body.
lastly...this past week or two has been really unpleasant. i'm losing my stamina in dealing with "everything." i had a solid couple of months where i could keep all parts of my life together and moving forward, but i feel a bit like i'm coming unwound right now. gabbo has been incredible: understanding, patient and loving. i seriously don't get her. i would have left me ages ago. i would if i could, frankly. "failed state," to use the parlance of our times. anyway, i need to do some real work now. stuff i've been putting off for weeks. re-organizing my ceramic kitten collection by eye-color now, just something for the autumn, i guess.
bleh. i hate when i write posts like this.