Friday, January 3, 2014

When Training Is Going Well...

As runners, we all know (but perhaps never speak of!) that there are some secret, extra-special changes that happen in your life when your training is going gangbusters...

For example, when a Runner is absolutely killing it in training, week after week i.e. Slaying track workouts, floating up endless hill repeats, blazing tempo runs, epic mountain adventures, cross-training, perfect diet, etc.

...we know that at this point the Runner is certainly enjoying most, if not all, of the following secret extra-special changes to his/her life:

1.)  The Runner is completely at peace and their mind is perfect. Total enlightenment. There is nothing that can perturb, upset, or confuse an awesomely-training Runner.

2.) A jar of peanut butter rolls off the counter, the Runner catches it mid-fall as they casually walk by. Stuff like this happens all the time to the boss-training Runner.

3.) The Runner's hair is thicker and more lustrous. And luscious...as in, it induces lust in others. And I'm talking just about the hair on the Runner's head! I know!

4.) The Runner's penis is bigger and generally more proud looking. Or the Runner's breasts are...uh...perkier. Yes. Perkier. But this only applies to Lady Runners. I just thought I should mention that.

5.) Perhaps as a result of #3 and #4, the Runner catches literally every attractive person in public giving them The Eye.

And, uh, to be clear The Eye means "I want to have sex with you." It's not like Edgar Allan Poe or anything. The "Evil Eye" has been extinct for over 100 years. Read up.

I'm going to stop my list here, though it certainly can (and should) be expanded upon.

Based on just these 5 criteria, I shall conclude that I am deeply disturbed, clumsy, bald with sagging breasts, a penis roughly the size of a raisin, and attractive people cover their mouths in horror when they catch me staring at them.

But not to worry, T. Believer. I'm just a week away from reaching the "Fucking Awesome Training Level" the likes of which I have just outlined above. I have been dutifully hitting the track twice a week, doing my core work and stretches everyday, getting into the mountains twice a week, and eagerly polishing my combs for when my hair grows back in. Yes. Combs. Plural. I'll let you guess, True B., why I'd have more than one!

Hey, Colorado! You legalized marijuana! My God...think how many more Doritos, M&M's, pretzels, and pizzas will now be required at aid stations out there...

I hope your own training is going so well that you're solving quadratic equations while catching jars and making love to an attractive person using your enormous penis and delightfully perky breasts, True Believer! I just so hope this for you!

I've clearly been on vacation for too long...














9 comments:

GZ said...

You are going to so love this post in 20 years.

Lucho said...

Awesome as always. Come visit and we'll wreck the shit out of the Doritos supply.

P. said...

G: Because I will find it still holds completely true, right? Right?

L: I've moved that "Dorito Apocalypse w/ Lucho" to the top of my 2014 race calendar.

brownie said...

I've gained 20 pounds since Wednesday.

josh z. said...

Awesome! Kill it P. Track and mtns every week is the formula. Throw a Prince vid or 2 in there is especially good for#4. 2014's your bitch.

GZ said...

P - because you feel like you are out of shape (as you describe it) even when you are in shape.

RUNssel said...

Some post there ma man. Uruguay also legalized ;-) Need to Skype. As always….

Jesse said...

This shit cracks me up every time. A perfect description of the elusive bad motherfucker training cycle.

J. said...

Doritos Apocalypse? Gaining 20 lbs since Wednesday? Perkier breasts? GET OVER HERE PAT! You delightful raisin-dick.