Sunday, April 29, 2012

Coming to Grips with My Horrible Past...

Sorry, the title of the post was just to get you read this. It's weird how the dark, emotional posts get tons of traffic. People are crazy!

Since I became a cyclist two weeks ago, my mind is no longer preoccupied with running and running-related tomfuckery. As a result, I've been literally brimming over with extra mind-juice and, friends, let me tell's juicy. I'm about to pour you a fresh glass. 

Ok. Ok.

FREE MILLION DOLLAR IDEAS! (Or, my "thank you" to you, True Believers) 

1.) Pancake Dots Snacks.

- you know when you're making pancakes for people and you're waiting for the griddle to get hot and you flick some batter on there in little dots and you cook'em and eat'em while you wait? What's wilder than a long-legged blonde about this deal here is that those little specks of pancake are BETTER than a full-sized pancake. So, whatimsayin is: BAG THOSE LITTLE BEAUTIES. Million bucks. It's all yours now.

2.) Messages on the bottoms of mugs and/or pint glasses. 

-so, you're drinking your morning coffee (or tea, if you're pitiful) and juuuuust as you're sippin' up that last delicious sip...POW! "Good morning, you bad ass motherfucker, you!" is written on the bottom of your damn mug!!! or maybe something smoove for the womens like "Good morning to YOU, TOO Because you're worth it as hell!" Or something like that. You could do the same thing with beer glasses. So, you're slamming back an ice-cold Cristal and as you're staring through the bottom of the glass 'cause it's so trippy sometimes, you notice: WHAAAA? There's something written on the BOTTOM OF MY BEER GLASS!!!
"You just got exactly 2 times better looking, Stallion." or maybe "Just one more and the secrets of life will be revealed!"  my personal favorite would be "Are you happy now?"  You can basically write out that check to the Ferrari dealership right now, that's how absolutely money that idea is. No, no. Thank YOU! For being YOU, True Believers!!

3.) Marshmallow bread*

-I really debated sharing this one in public, because I've always sort of kept it in my back pocket for a rainy day (where I'm picking myself up out of the gutter, ribs sore from where a cop had been kicking me). However, I've quelled those pesky reservations and I'm ready to lay a heavy on ya'll. 

Marshmallow bread is genius 'cause it's damn simple. These are marshmallows. But in the shape and the size of slices of bread. It would be sold in a "loaf." Here's where it just blows minds: YOU CAN STICK THESE IN THE TOASTER AND HAVE THE MOST PERFECTLY TOASTED MARSHMALLOW IN THE WORLD!!! Stop there? Stop there???@!!! NOT A CHANCE, I'M JUST GETTING WARMED UP!!! Cause then you'd sell a whole line of additional products, like bread-slice-shaped graham crackers and "slices" of chocolate (to make sandwich-sized s'mores), maybe some spreads like caramel, PBJ or chocolate/banana. Everything would have your brand name on it. Huge bank. Huge. I love you. 

If you actually DO end up making millions from one (or more) of my ideas, please just write me in for like 2% of the royalties, OK? I think that seems fair. You're OK with me, too, dude. 

*i don't know why two of these are food related, but it may have something to do with the fact that i'm sort of stoned right now. i'm taking a break from beer. i suppose with the marshmallow bread, you'd have to tinker with the recipe a little to make a more "substantial" marshmallow that wouldn't just turn into liquid in your toaster and then burst into flame. do you know a food chemist? i don't. that's why i'm asking. 

the week before last i rode ze bicicleta about 6 hours and spent 2 hours lifting pesas.

this week ending 4/28/12, i rose tee blike exacttttly 12:45:00 and spent ANUDDER 2 hours lifting stuff into the air with my body. i'm ok with the bike right now. I went out for two, 4-hour rides this weekend wiff HELLA hill climbs, BROHEMIAN!   

Two more weeks of this and I'll see how running feels. No quad pain anymore when I walk and I did some one-legged box jumps the other day and, while my leg felt a little weird, it didn't hurt. So that was rad. Dad. You big and bad. Mean motherfucker don't make me mad. Impaling MC's like my name was Vlad. 

Freestyle rap typing. If you can figure out how to make money on that, feel free to use that idea, also.

This cartoon never made it to TV, which is really horrible for all of us because it's dumb good. 


helena said...

They have just launched their own line of cruisers, the sixthreezero cruisers, which can only be found on

bike lock

P. said...

Helena (may I call you Helena?),

Truly the launch of sixthreezero cruiser line is cause for celebration. In your giddy, school-girlish enthusiasm, do I detect an underlying...passion? Let's just say I, too, know my way around a good beach bike and if you're game...I say we get together and buff the fenders on a pair of those sixthreezeros until we both can't stand up.