Lard.

Runless week #3 is IN DA BAG! 12 hours on the bike and several more in the gym, waxing my bikini zone and drinking gallons of fake-tanner.

I had myself a lovely bike ride 'round the vineyards down here (did you know that chile is a fucking wino's wetdream? it is! it is!) It was autumnal in every sense of the word. Super fall. Fall as fuck!

Fuck!

Who's fucking leg do I have to heal around here to go running again????

Ah, yes. Mine. Ok then.

Enjoy the summer, you bastards! If you aren't out running right now, you have an infant's penis hanging betwixt your legs.

Needlessly confrontationally (and Olde Englishly) yours,
Patrick.

Coming to Grips with My Horrible Past...

Sorry, the title of the post was just to get you read this. It's weird how the dark, emotional posts get tons of traffic. People are crazy!

Since I became a cyclist two weeks ago, my mind is no longer preoccupied with running and running-related tomfuckery. As a result, I've been literally brimming over with extra mind-juice and, friends, let me tell you...it's juicy. I'm about to pour you a fresh glass. 

Ok. Ok.

FREE MILLION DOLLAR IDEAS! (Or, my "thank you" to you, True Believers) 

1.) Pancake Dots Snacks.

- you know when you're making pancakes for people and you're waiting for the griddle to get hot and you flick some batter on there in little dots and you cook'em and eat'em while you wait? What's wilder than a long-legged blonde about this deal here is that those little specks of pancake are BETTER than a full-sized pancake. So, whatimsayin is: BAG THOSE LITTLE BEAUTIES. Million bucks. It's all yours now.

2.) Messages on the bottoms of mugs and/or pint glasses. 

-so, you're drinking your morning coffee (or tea, if you're pitiful) and juuuuust as you're sippin' up that last delicious sip...POW! "Good morning, you bad ass motherfucker, you!" is written on the bottom of your damn mug!!! or maybe something smoove for the womens like "Good morning to YOU, TOO Because you're worth it as hell!" Or something like that. You could do the same thing with beer glasses. So, you're slamming back an ice-cold Cristal and as you're staring through the bottom of the glass 'cause it's so trippy sometimes, you notice: WHAAAA? There's something written on the BOTTOM OF MY BEER GLASS!!!

"You just got exactly 2 times better looking, Stallion." or maybe "Just one more and the secrets of life will be revealed!"  my personal favorite would be "Are you happy now?"  You can basically write out that check to the Ferrari dealership right now, that's how absolutely money that idea is. No, no. Thank YOU! For being YOU, True Believers!!

3.) Marshmallow bread*

-I really debated sharing this one in public, because I've always sort of kept it in my back pocket for a rainy day (where I'm picking myself up out of the gutter, ribs sore from where a cop had been kicking me). However, I've quelled those pesky reservations and I'm ready to lay a heavy on ya'll. 

Marshmallow bread is genius 'cause it's damn simple. These are marshmallows. But in the shape and the size of slices of bread. It would be sold in a "loaf." Here's where it just blows minds: YOU CAN STICK THESE IN THE TOASTER AND HAVE THE MOST PERFECTLY TOASTED MARSHMALLOW IN THE WORLD!!! Stop there? Stop there???@!!! NOT A CHANCE, I'M JUST GETTING WARMED UP!!! Cause then you'd sell a whole line of additional products, like bread-slice-shaped graham crackers and "slices" of chocolate (to make sandwich-sized s'mores), maybe some spreads like caramel, PBJ or chocolate/banana. Everything would have your brand name on it. Huge bank. Huge. I love you. 

If you actually DO end up making millions from one (or more) of my ideas, please just write me in for like 2% of the royalties, OK? I think that seems fair. You're OK with me, too, dude. 

*i don't know why two of these are food related, but it may have something to do with the fact that i'm sort of stoned right now. i'm taking a break from beer. i suppose with the marshmallow bread, you'd have to tinker with the recipe a little to make a more "substantial" marshmallow that wouldn't just turn into liquid in your toaster and then burst into flame. do you know a food chemist? i don't. that's why i'm asking. 

the week before last i rode ze bicicleta about 6 hours and spent 2 hours lifting pesas.

this week ending 4/28/12, i rose tee blike exacttttly 12:45:00 and spent ANUDDER 2 hours lifting stuff into the air with my body. i'm ok with the bike right now. I went out for two, 4-hour rides this weekend wiff HELLA hill climbs, BROHEMIAN!   

Two more weeks of this and I'll see how running feels. No quad pain anymore when I walk and I did some one-legged box jumps the other day and, while my leg felt a little weird, it didn't hurt. So that was rad. Dad. You big and bad. Mean motherfucker don't make me mad. Impaling MC's like my name was Vlad. 

Freestyle rap typing. If you can figure out how to make money on that, feel free to use that idea, also.

This cartoon never made it to TV, which is really horrible for all of us because it's dumb good. 

Santiago Marathon and Two Week Wrap-up 4/1/12

La Maratón de Santiago: Informe de Carrera (Race Report?)

Thousands of us wait in the marathon starting corral, shuffling our feet and anxiously bobbing in place. I need to escape from the electric tentacles of this monstrous tension. I stare up at the sky, wide-eyed, for the early morning rays are but still emerging from their peaceful slumber behind the mighty protection of the Andes. There is no need to squint. I see everything with crystal clarity.

I lift my arms towards the gentle warmth of our Mother Sun and whisper a prayer: "Lord Jesus, I wanna win this motherfucker today. You help me and I'll stab a rapist later this afternoon." I lowered my arms and got my game face securely fixed in the "on" position, already psyched at the prospect of a potential mid-day stabbing.

After some chanting and counting in Spanish, I hear "UNO!" and the deafening bang of a pistol. "Ha!" I think to myself, "I'm not the only one who plays Uno for keeps!" I look around for my card-game-comrade-in-arms, but all the hyphens obscured my vision...plus, at this point, I'm running. I'm running for the win. Jesus is my running shoes. In case you wondering, Our Lord and Savior has a full-synthetic upper, a low-profile stack-height and a very modest drop. The Lamb of God is neither minimal nor gluttonous. He comes in a fairly rocking colorway, too...ah duuh.

This report will now shift to the vantage point of my hamstring:

"I hate Patrick and I want to be very clear: If I could ever manage to detach myself from his body and somehow implant myself into another person's body, I would do that and then I would use that new body to beat the shit and the stupid out of Patrick's fool head. Then I'd sleep for 2 days because I'd be so tired from such a mammoth physical effort."

Now, from the vantage point of my foot:

"Patrick sucks shit through a straw and can go fuck himself. Prick."

My foot is considerably less verbose than my hamstring, apparently.

So, yeah the race went. This lady with asthma passed me. Seriously. I think she finished around 3:05-ish, but still, I saw her using an inhaler.

Eh, I knew that if I could get to the start line without any major aches or pains, that I could get under 3:00 hours. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I held 6:45 pace for the first 10 miles and felt fine. Breathing easy and just trucking along. At around mile 11 or 12, my legs felt like they locked up. It was fairly painful and they weren't moving right. I decided not to worry about and just jog in. I think I had a couple 8:00 miles in there. We reached the start of a 10K descent to the finish line and my legs opened up a little and I began to hit a few more 6:50 miles. I finished the race while shouting Beatles lyrics along with the post-race cover band. I crossed the line after about 3:11:00. Oh well. It was a good time anyway.

Ran into Markus from the very well written and extremely well photographed runssel.blogspot.com in the marathon VIP lounge afterwards. We tried to meet up for some beers, but somehow couldn't cross paths. It was for the best, however, as I was inclined to start an all day drunk...and would have easily succumbed with slightest encouragement.

Week ending 3/25/12

-42 miles, 6:40:00. 6,000 ft. I didn't run Saturday and Sunday because the World Enduro Championships were being held in Talca. The first ever world championship of any kind in Chile and it was right here in little ol' Talca. I opted to spend those two days furiously hiking around the trails where I run, watching guys flip their motorcycles into trees.

Week ending 4/1/12

- 42 miles, 5:30:00, 1000 ft. ran only twice before the marathon.

I have really felt shitty for about 2 weeks, aside from the hamstring bullshit and this growing pain in my heel, right about where the achilles attached becomes the bottom of my foot. Yeah, in addition to these new pains, I have also felt totally wasted and run-down. We'll see what sort of mysteries this week holds.

Be healthy, ya'll.

"My life, my love and my laaaady..." Weekender 3/18/12

Do-do-do, do-do-do, dooooo-do-do-do-do-dooooo

Mon- AM: The Pitiless 8-Mile Loop of Pure, Unadulterated Mediocrity. 1:05:00

PM: Torres-Virgen with Quim. 1:25:00, 8 miles, 1000 ft. Ran the two miles downhill as fast as we possibly could, then held a low 6:oo pace for the 1.5 miles back to the apartment.

Tues- PM: Loop! 1:10:00

Wed- AM: Loop?!?! 1:00:00 (but broken into 2 mile w/u, 5 miles temp, 1 mile c/d)

PM: 5 miles to the university track. then 6x400, 400 rests (all between 87-92 sec). then 5 miles back home. 13 miles, 1:45:00 total.

Thus- loop. 1:10:00

Fri- loop. 1:00:00

Sat- St. Pat's is no excuse not to run. However, Friday night I didn't get home from the club until 6:30am. That's the first time in about 4 months I've allowed myself to be dragged to the fucking discoteca. I hate that shit so much. So regrettable.

Sun - loop, met Quim for torres-virgen trip. 15 miles, 2:15:00, 1000ft.

Totals: 77 miles, about 11 hours, 2,000 ft.

Another flat week. Glute is nearly back to healthy. Less than happy about all this pavement, but...whatever. I like running regardless of what surface it's on...unless the surface is living people. That would be so gnarly. Yeesh.

"Not a Post about Beer" Week Ending 3/11/12

A friend said all I post about is beer and being drunk, so I'm going to make a conscious effort to make less ado about a-brew. Ha. ha. hheehmmblehh...

Mon- The Infamous 8.25-Mile Flat Loop of Intense Introspection and Loathing. 1:00:00

Tues- Again, but 1:10:00.

Wed- 3 miles to the university track, 3 miles on the track (4x400, 400 rest, just to introduce myself), 5 miles home. =11 total, about 1:20:00

Thurs- AM: the loop. 1:05:00

PM: to the bridge and back, 4 miles, 30:00

Fri- Loop x 2, 15.5 miles, 2:05:00

Sat- torres and virgen, 8 miles, 1,000 ft. 1:05:00

Sun- the loop. 1:05:00, done as a progression from 9:00/mile down to 6:50/mile for the last mile.

71.5 miles. 9:15:00, 1,000 ft.

My troublesome right-ass has been less painful this week. I have been dutifully stretching it and telling it how great it looks in the mirror. The positive reinforcement has been good...for both of us.

I felt better and better as the week went on, including my trip up the big hill. So, I'm tentatively happy about my decision to stick to slow, flat jogging for a while. Plus, I realized how totally out of touch I've become with maintaining a steady pace for longer than a couple miles. I've gotten used to running up/down hills and going more by "feel." By "feel," I mean that I would run while cupping my balls and pinching my tits. Obviously, this technique will not fly during the Santiago marathon, as Chilean public-decency laws are both strict and their consequences brutal.

3 Weeks in One Post! Best Deal on the Blogs!

...And Each Week Shall Be Accompanied By A Fitting Song:

Week Ending 2/19/12 a.k.a. "What Smells Like Burning?"

Mon: My New Paved Loop! 8.25 miles. 1:00:00. flat.

Tues: same, but two loops. 16 miles. 2:00:00. flat.

Wed: bailed on the run after 1 mile. did me some weights.

Thurs: 10 beers

Fri: flying in an airplane.

Sat: 6 miles w/ Steph along the beach at Bahía Inglesa. 1:00:00

Sun: ditto.

Totally: 36 miles. 5 hours.

The turning point that lead to this two-week shit show was Wednesday. I headed out the door, extremely tired with a dull pain in my ass cheek and some significant pain in my foot. I got about a mile in and just thought "Dude, you didn't sneak under 2:07 in Beijing by getting injured. Play it smart."

Week Ending 2/26/12 a.k.a. "When Hairy Met Fatty"

before i start typing directly from my fluorescent pink and bejeweled Anne Frank running log, I just want you to actually listen to this song. why in the fuck is there a chopped n' screwed slo-motion version of this ridiculous song? i love you Internet. Don't never leave me. Also, I typed "fluorescent" correctly, without thinking, on the first try. Fuck yeah.

Mon: 0

Tues: 0

Wed: 0

Thurs: 0

Friday: 0

Sat: Super Mega Volcano Blow Out Death Race! 88 miles. 88,000 ft. of vertical!!!!

kidding. kidding. Saturday was 0.

Sun: 0

Totals for the week?

Week Ending 3/4/12 a.k.a. "How to Fit a Diaper Under Your Running Shorts, You Baby"

I really hate this band so much. I'm not sure why this pertains to the running week, except that my hatred for this band somehow sums up my attitude this week.

Mon: talca hills. 9 miles. 1:30:00. 1,500 ft. - This is the run where I realized that something was legit fucked up in my body. I felt super-charged in my head/lungs/blood/stuff but my legs were just destroyed after this run. I mean, hobbling around the next day. Pain and tightness in my glute, down to my calf. Did me some reading and Imma thinking that I have me some piriformis issues. I'm trying to stretch and do some exercises to fix it, but man...I'm fucking bummed about this one. It really hurts and it's fucking with my ability to even jog on flat ground.

Tues: AM: My New Paved Loop. 8.25. 1:05:00, flat.

PM: Same.

Wed: AM: Same.

PM: 6 miles. 50:00. flat.

Thurs: MNPL!

Fri: Off.

Sat: that fucking loop again.

Sun: one more time. egads.

Totals: 64.5 miles. 8:50:00. 1500ft.

Well, I just can't emphasize how surprised I am at the incredible pain that accompanied this return to running. Not just this piriformis bullshit, but my quads/calves/feet, just everything felt horrible. I honestly had no idea this would be the result of what I had hoped would be this refreshing break from running and I would come back, minus the fatigue I had built up and start some faster workouts leading up to the Santiago Marathon. Oh-fucking-well, Patrick. That shit is not happenin', brother.

I'm not sure what to make of all this, but I'm going to just keep up with the flat jogging assuming that the glute, et al. doesn't get any worse.

"ABC Gum" Two-fer Ending 2/12/11

Week Ending 2/5/12

Mon: AM: lo normal, 9 miles, 1:30:00, 1500ft.

PM: virgen, 8 miles, 1:00:00, 500 ft.

Tues: lo normal, 9, 1:30:00 1500 ft.

Wed: AM: 1:00:00 bike

PM: torres, 7 miles, 1:00:00, 1000ft.

Thurs: AM: lo normal, 9 miles, 1:30:00, 1500ft.

PM: 1:00:00 bike. weights.

Fri: AM: torres - virgen, 8 miles, 1:00:00, 1000 ft.

PM: punto de lobos, 8 miles, 1:00:00.

Sat: around Pichilemu. 11 miles, 1:30:00. 1,000 ft.

Sun: off.

TOTAL:

69 miles, 12:00:00, 8500 ft.

Went to the beach this weekend. The Friday run to Punto de Lobos actually included 3 miles at low 6:00/mile pace, the rest was shuffling and feeling crappy. Sunday, I had planned to run, but just felt a little too shitty to think it was worth it. I definitely have noticed a steady decline in the quality of my running this past week. I need to be careful about this.

Week Ending 2/12/11

Mon: AM: lo normal, 9 miles, 1:30:00, 1500 ft.

PM: torres - virgen, 8 miles, 1:30:00, 1000 ft.

Tues: AM: lo normal + virgen, 10 miles, 2:00:00, 1500 ft. (tired as hell)

PM: ran w/ Steph towards the virgen, but she needed to turn back early. 7 miles, 1:00:00

Wed: AM: torres-virgen, 8 miles, 1:25:00, 1000 ft (still very tired)

PM: torres, 7 miles, 1:15:00, 1000 ft. (tired-er)

Thurs and Friday: OFF. resting before Volcano Marathon.

Sat: Desafío de los Senderos del Volcán 42K. 26 miles, 4:40:00, 5th place overall. 5,300 ft.

Sun: off.

TOTAL:

75 miles. about 13:30:00, 11,300 ft.

Elevation profile for the race

Looking back at the first climb.

Quim finishing.

Recovery meal. Lamb on a stick.

The race went OK. I was tired and felt kinda bad going into it. I have completely smoked my hamstrings over the past couple of weeks and it really sucked having to run/hike the longer climbs in this race. Downhill, I was very fast and felt strong, but going up...oof. I did beat Chile's reigning ultra-queen, Marlene, who runs for The North Face. To be fair, this is her off-season and I think she was just chilling through the race. The guy who won traveled from the south of Argentina, nearly 24 hours in buses and whatnot, alone. He won and then got back on the bus early the next morning to go home. Awesome.

This week I learned an important lesson: Yes, I am able to make myself get out and run even when I just can barely pick up my feet to get out the door. While it is good to know (I guess) that I can push myself beyond what my body can handle, I need to now take that knowledge and try to be a little more attentive to making these runs "count" for something. Flopping around in the hills feeling absolutely useless is a fairly limited approach to training.

Also, try as I might, I seem sort of stuck at about the 13 hours/week mark. What I've noticed about my daily runs is that they are never steady, aerobic efforts anymore. When I write that a run was 9 miles with 1500 ft. of climbing, the elevation gain is not spread out over those 9 miles. It is basically one, 1.2 mile climb that is very steep and maxes me out completely. So, while the miles leading up to and back home from the climb are fairly easy, there is always about 15 minutes of very intense, high HR part to every single one of my runs, where I see spots in my vision and I'm gasping for air. So...yeah, I'm thinking I may need to mix things up a bit more and give myself some breaks in between those sorts of efforts.

"More Numbers! Fewer Bummers!" Weekender 1/29/12

Mon- lo normal, 9 miles, 1:30:00, 1500 ft.

Tues- AM: 1:00:00 bike + core

PM: virgen, 8 miles, 1:00:00, 500 ft.

Wed - AM: 1:00:00 bike + weights

PM: torres, 7 miles, 1:00:00, 1,000ft.

Thurs- lo normal, 10 miles, 2:00:00, 2,000 ft.

Fri- Same.

Sat- Same.

Sun - 12 miles, over virgen and back. 1:45:00, 1500 ft.

66 miles

13:15:00 (including bike, but not weights)

10,500 ft.

The big thing with this week was "recovery" without, uh, actually taking time off to recover. As I sit here on Sunday, I feel really very good, just some lingering tightness in my glutes from the Descabezado run last Saturday. Without a question, I feel the best I've ever felt after a 50 mile outing. Part of this (I hope) is due to improved fitness. Another part (I'm sure) is that the Descabezado run, while long in terms of both time and miles, was not an especially intense effort. I hope that I don't end up feeling like I should have taken it a little easier this week and rested a bit more, but I started summer vacation from work already and I have the time and the drive to keep at it. Next week, I will do my best to listen to my body with the goal being a bit more volume. That's the only goal right now: Volume.

In drinking related news: I posted my weekend hydration over on this other inspiring and beautiful blog. Unfortunately, this week's update cost me a good deal of the skin on my big toe... I would call this a very aggressive "stubbing," but honestly it was more like I straight-up kicked the metal leg of a garbage can on the sidewalk. My toe sort of popped like a little cherry tomato. I told the garbage can: "You toe-MAY-go-fuck-yourself."

Volcán Descabezado 50 mile run

Oof. 50 miles in 16 hours? Holy God.

On Saturday, Quim and I finally set out on our attempt to summit Volcán Descabezado, starting from Vilches Alto and then returning all in the same day. The trip to the foot of the volcano is exactly 20 miles, with almost exactly 5 miles to the top. Afterwards, clearly, you gotta go back.

The aesthetic appeal of this route is pretty undeniable. Great trail running through forests, across rivers, grassy valleys where wild horses roam, and super-technical steep rocky descents...and all of that is pushing you towards the ascent of a 12,500 ft. volcano (a FUCKING volcano!). Plus, it seems all too fortuitous that the distance from the trailhead to the summit and back is honest-to-God exactly 50 miles, an obviously well-established ultramarathon distance.

Switching to present tense to add to sense of (non)drama...now:

We wake up at 3am for a 4 am departure. I drink some coffee and eat 3 Pb&J's because I love them so much it makes me emotional. With headlamps aglow and feet a-shuffling, we begin the several miles of ascent into the park. From there, the trail is nothing but 8 miles of excellent rolling single track that sneakily ascends towards the top of Valle Venado. At this hour, the tarantulas are out and we are careful not to crush any of the dozens of those little bastards all over the trail. Ah, and there are tons of bats. Cool.

The view looking over the Río Claro and Valle Venado is easily one of my favorites in Chile thus far. As a runner, you pretty much have your head down as you approach the lookout. The trail is rocky here and it climbs with a little more aggression. So, you're working a bit and then, suddenly, the smattering of brush and trees opens up and POW! you're looking straight down over the valley with views of Descabezado, Cerro Azul and the Andes in all their splendor.

Of course, we see none of this when we arrive because it's still pitch-black night. We begin the descent to the river valley with much less recklessness than usual. I stare deeply into the round pool of light cast by my headlamp, shocked at how easy it feels to slip n' slide around the very narrow, dusty switchbacks. A misstep would send me hurtling several hundred feet into darkness. And, um, death.

By the time we hit the river, the sun was starting push out from behind the mountains and illuminate the valley. We're about 2 hours into the run and opt to walk for few minutes while we eat some food. PB&J #4 goes down even better than his siblings #1-3. We jog in the sand for about a mile along the river towards the trail leading up to the Valle Venado refuge. The trail now begins a very mellow, but persistent climb along one of the tributaries rushing down through the pumice stone left from eruption's lava deposits. NOTE: Technically, the rock is rhyodacite which I will only mention because my geologist father might be interested...otherwise, the stuff looks like white pumice. So, dat's what Imma call it!

After we pass the refugio, the trail stays locked into a long, rolling climb. Through forest, bramble, wood and wily brier...perchance a bit of thistle? followed by patches of thicket? I'm getting drunk, now, while writing this. "Más cocido que un botón de oro" as they say in Chile.

Cliffs, transcending our puny, planar human triflings by being all fucking tall and rad and shit.

Ok ok. Enough. After a couple thousand feet of climbing, we reach a flat river bed. Cross that frigid bitch a couple times, avoid some wild cattle shit and then we reach Las Termas. There's a natural thermal pool of sulfuric water supposedly good for bathing. Additionally, there is a fresh water source, the last before the volcano summit. We refill our bottles/packs and stare with wonder at the crazy huaso who fucking lives at the river, in a shack made of rocks stacked together and some sticks (I can't believe I don't have a photo of this, but my camera decided to stop working about 10 minutes into the day. All the pics are Quim's). Anyway, we start the trip to the top.

The Garmin died after about 37 miles. Rest assured, we did make it home.

The ascent of Descabezado would be challenging no matter what. The numbers are rough: 6,500 ft. of climbing in a bit less than 5 miles. However, what truly makes Descabezado just absolutely brutal is the terrain. The surface of the volcano is composed of marble-sized pumice stones. Each step is accompanied by sinking/sliding. The first several miles involve following winding tracks over dune-like hills of these stones. Steadily, the trails pitch upward towards the cone of the volcano. In the final 800m of the climb, the grade becomes very steep and there are patches of scree and dangerous sections of large, loose rocks. The going is a little quicker if you elect to crawl/climb the rocky sections, but be sure no one is directly above or below you as it is very easy to dislodge soccerball-sized stones with any given step. The rocks are stacked Jenga-style and everything is sketchy.

The scenery during the ascent is other-worldly. It looks very much like photos taken on the surface of a distant planet. Black volcanic boulders jut irregularly out of the ashy white pumice dunes. There is no vegetation or animal life. The wind is very strong and the occasional cluster of clouds goes whizzing by overhead so quickly that the lighting often seems to flicker or strobe, like watching a sped-up time lapse video. Add to that the need to shout anything you say while always steadying yourself against the stronger gusts...and you have a fairly surreal (and intense) setting.

What can I say? It was very hard. The last 800 meters probably took me 40 minutes. I have never been at altitude before and I suffered intensely. I stopped to breath and felt very dizzy. Additionally, I have never experienced the mountain weather. I felt burning hot in the sun, but when gusts of wind would hit me I would start shivering violently. I felt the urge to lay down and sleep several times and considered giving up, going back to the termas and waiting for Quim to summit. Thankfully, he didn't let me pussy out and now we are even for his meltdown at the Santiago TNF 80K.

Check out my little "red rocket" poking up from my special place. What a fucking dork I turned out to be. Oh well.

So, the "down" was better. The pumice dunes made for a quick, leaping descent. I felt instantly better as we made our way down and felt perfect by the time we returned to the termas and refilled our water. In total: 4.5 hours up and 1 hour down. The best estimate we ever received from locals was that a fast summit and return on Descabezado should take 10 hours. So...we were faster than that. So, I feel more like a man now? I don't know what the point of anything is. Where's my scotch?

So, the return trip of 20 miles I had pegged at about 4.5-5 hours. Max. Quim, unfortunately, had a fairly parallel bonk as the Santiago race and we ended up walking waaaaay too much of the way back home. I was OK with that, but after I reach a certain point of discomfort...it doesn't really matter to me if we walk, jog or even run. Everything hurts the same. Quim says to me that he is hallucinating and feels horrible. I tell him I'm tired of being outside and if we don't get home before 10pm we won't be able to buy beer from the cabin down the road so he had better get his ass in gear. We get back freakishly at EXACTLY 16 hours after we left. I drink some beer. I talk about tarantulas with some dude staying at the cabins while his girlfriend stares at her feet and says nothing. Vibed out.

Final note: I'm now very confident I can go back and cut several hours off of this time. I'm thinking I may try it again next month. I spent nearly all of the run to the volcano thinking "My God! This would make an incredible race course!" However, after actually hiking the damn thing, I can honestly say that I think it's a little too dangerous to make a good race. There is no way to get help in or out and there just isn't that kind of infrastructure here in Chile. So...it just makes a great one day outing of epic proportion that I would recommend to everyone.

Ok, well I need to finish this bottle of scotch and read some articles about the Colombian drug trade. I hope everyone is doing well and feels good. Like they knew that they would. Now.

Love,

Fatrick.

Mon: lo normal, hillier. 10 miles. 2 hours. 2,000ft.

Tues: 1:00:00 bike. weights.

Wed: AM: lo normal(ish), but harder effort. 9 miles. 1:30:00. 1,500 ft.

Thurs: 1:30:00 bike. weights.

Fri: off.

Sat: Descabezado.

Sun: drunk.

76 miles

24 hours

19,700 ft.

"Pine Needle Suppository" Week Ending 1/15/12

Sunrise. It's so hot here right now it's punishing. Brutal, brutal heat.

7am bus to the mountains. There's no laws against packing people onto these chicken-buses, so we had to stand for over 2 hours, in sweltering heat, as the bus skittered and bumped its way up a rutted dirt road to the trail head. No, you don't get a discount if you don't have a seat.

Quim, on the summit on Peine, with the now-defrosted Laguna del Alto below and our old friend Volcán Descabezado in the back ground. I wonder how tall it was before its "head" blew off?

"Never stop exploring...beer." - The North Shitfaced.

Made some contributions to THIS OTHER jaw-droppingly-wonderful blog.

Mon- 8 miles to virgen, 1:00:00. 500 ft.

Tues- 1:00:00 bike. 45 minutes weights.

Wed- AM: Torres, 7 miles, 1:00:00, 1,000ft.

PM: Same.

Thurs- 8 to virgen, 1:00:00, 500ft.

Fri- 8 to virgen w/ Steph. 1:30:00. 500 ft.

Sat- 17 miles at Vilches Alto. trail head - Peine summit - Laguna del Alto - Enladrillado - back.

5:00:00, 5, 500 ft.

Sun - AM: 7 miles, torres. 1:00:00, 1,000ft.

PM: 8 miles, torres, but returned down the road from the Virgen. 1:00:00. 1,000ft.

70 miles.

13.5 hours (w/ the bike in there, but not the weights)

11, 000 ft.

Managed to string together 2 decent weeks of training. Actually, i'm sitting on about a month of decent running, so that feels pretty nice. Yippee.

*THIS NEXT PART IS FAIRLY GROSS AND POINTLESS, DON'T READ IT*

You were warned.

Today's afternoon run (the last run of the week) started out normal enough. However, by the time I reached the woods and started climbing a bit, my guts started feeling shitty. I mean to say, they wanted to produce some shit. Hey, no big deal. So, I find a tree, center my chakra's or whatever and proceed to let loose a torrent of explosive diarrhea. It just kept coming. I thought I was going to blast myself inside out. I had no indication that this was going to be something really considerable and significant, I thought I was just going to take a shit in the woods like no big deal. Huh. Instead, it ended up being one of those really exhausting, emotionally draining shits where you feel sort of cold and shaky afterwards and like you just want to take a nap or stare off into space for a while. Even worse, I had picked a really bad place to take a shit, as there were no leaves or anything around to help deal with what had become a pretty challenging shituation splatter-wise. Hmm. Against all logic and better judgement, I grabbed a handful of fresh pine needles and attempted to use them like a whisk or brush or something and scrape my better half clean. What the fuck was I thinking? I pull my shorts back up and take a step from around the tree and gasp in pain. "Something stung me in my asshole," I say out loud. I reach down gently to confirm or disconfirm this hypothesis, when I discover (to my absolute horror) that I managed to stick a pine needle straight up my anus.

With a surgeon's steady hand, I extracted that little fucker and proceeded to have an absolutely terrible run. I don't know why I felt compelled to share this, but hey what the fuck. I can do whatever I want! ¡Libertad! ¡Arriba! ¡El pueblo unido nunca será vencido!

He's got the whole world in his hands,

Patrick.

"La Araña Peluda" week ending 1/1/12

The closest thing I have to a phobia is my fear of spiders. In the mountains of chile, there are tons of tarantulas, ranging in size from an oreo cookie to a small dinner plate. Of note, I briefly pushed my horrible repulsion towards spiders deep, deep into the recesses of my pickled brain and actually picked one up and let it crawl around my hands. Literally, i was shaking slightly afterwards. I don't know what to say: I'm a humongous pussy.

Monday 12/26/11- 9 miles. ran the "red" route in tricahue, counterclockwise. 2:07:00, 2,400ft.

Tues- 1:00:00 bike. 8 x 2 min hard/3 min soft (yes, i'm smiling to myself after typing that.)

+weights

Wed- 7 miles, torres. 1:00:00. 1,000ft.

Thurs- 9 miles, lo normal. 1:30:00 1500ft.

Friday - nothing. i had to go to santiago for more bullshit paperwork. on the bus ride home, i mixed 1/3 of a bottle of rum into half a liter of peach juice and drank that while watching "Cowboys vs. Aliens" in spanish on the bus's tv. "alguacil" is "sheriff" in spanish, FYI buckaroos.

Saturday - lo normal again. 1:30:00, 1500ft.

Sunday - with no plans for New Year's Eve, steph, chelsea and I opted to go BACK to Refugio del Tricahue for two days. ---- 14 miles up the Río Tricahue looking for some shack or something. the whole ordeal took 3:30:00, which is sort of insane, but man...it was a very difficult route to find/follow. 2200ft. afterwards, i hike the blue route to the waterfall with steph, but i'm not counting that as it was all part of my scheme to score a good photo op with a can of Cristal for THIS OTHER AMAZING BLOG>

total: 48 miles ran. 10.5 hours of foolin' around. 8,200 ft of going up.

"Tanto Calor" Week Ending 12/25/11

Monday 12/19/11 - off.

Tues- 1:00:00 stationary bike, 45:00 weights. First bike workout in years? Normally, this would have been my day for a flat, road run during my lunch break...however, summer has fully reared its flaming head and it's literally shoe-melting hot during the midday when I have time to run. So, I'm opting to suffer a little less in the shade, on the stationary bike. I have no idea what I'm doing on the bike, except that I know I want to make these one-hour sessions really hurt. I went with 8 x 2 min "on" with recovery. Is that a close to a typical bike workout? I dunno. But it hurt.

Wed - off

Thursday - AM: 10 miles, 1800 ft. of climbing. 2:00:00 "lo normal" standard route.

PM: 7 miles, 1000 ft. "Las Torres" 1:00:00 ...because I run to the cell phone towers.

Friday - 7 miles, 1000 ft. Torres. 1:00:00

Saturday - 17.5 miles, 4,800 ft. 5:30:00. Tricahue. Arrived at the Refugio Tricahue last night for Christmas with Quim and Chelsea. Best night of sleep I've had in memory. Cool temps, totally silent. Started this run with the refugio's owner's dog, Bacán. The dog ended up staying with us the whole day. Turns out he likes that sort of thing as much as we do. We did get pretty lost 2 or 3 times, but the trails were good and it didn't bother me in the least to retrace our steps a bit. Great place to stay. The founder/operator of the Refugio del Tricahue, Dimitri, is a 30 year old belgian guy who cycled all over the world until he decided to build a handful of nice cabins in the mountains of Chile. Definitely an interesting lifestyle, I think I might be jealous.

Sunday - 5:00:00 bike. With Monday off, I didn't feel any pressure to run again and instead opted to borrow Dimitri's bicycle and set out with Quim and Chelsea on a trip around Lago Colbún. It was ungodly hot, the road consisted of piles of large stones arranged in the rough outline of a road...and I was on something like a touring/cyclo-cross bike. And then the chain snapped...4 times. While I didn't mind the refresher on my bike mechanic skills, I was certainly losing my patience with that hunk of shit bike. Luckily, we had a pit stop for beer and I jumped in the lake and cooled off. A few good climbs on this route, but nothing too crazy.

42 miles, 9.5 hours. 8,600 ft.

6:00:00 on the bike. 2800 ft.

15.5 hours in total for the week (not including weights).

There's a run/bike event coming up in march that I think i'd like to do. There's also a mountain bike two-stage race in a february. It's pretty long, so that appeals to me. I'm going to try to get on the bicycle once or twice a week, just to see how it goes.

"2 Heads > 1 Head" Backed up, ending 12/18/11.

Week ending 12/11/12

Bad bad week. Started off well enough, but then I went to Santiago to help crew a bicycle race. Had every intention of running in the high-high mountains there, but it turned out there was no more transportation out of the city to the mountains during the summer. Only during ski season.

Absolutely I could have invented some alternative routes, but maaan...running in Santiago is a bitch and a half. It's very very smoggy and disgusting with tons of stopping and waiting at street lights. There are some good hills right down town, but the idea of killing myself running up them (and then in turn killing myself with the horrible hacking cough that lasts for days after running in the city) did not sound appealing. I opted to get staggering, screaming drunk for two days straight. It was worth it.

I ran 29 miles/4.5 hours. tues=12 miler, 6 easy, 6 sub-7:00/mile. wed=7 miles/1,000ft. thurs=10 miles, 1800 ft. Friday=90 minutes of weights.

Week ending 12/18/11

Better week. I always feel stronger after fucking around for the weekend.

75 miles, 14:30:00. elevation: i'm rounding up to 10,000ft even. the sunday run was a weird one with lots of garmin-stumping forest.

Monday: virgen, 8 miles. PR 1 hour flat. 600 ft.

Tuesday: 6 miles in curicó. flat. 90F+. it was so hot that my feet felt burnt after the run. i cut the work out short in lieu of spending more time in the gym lifting weights. It was definitely worth it.

wed: 7 miles to las torres. 1,000 ft. 1:05:00

thurs: 10 around the cerros. 1800ft. 2:00:00

friday: AM, torres. 1000ft. 1:05:00. PM, cerros. 1800ft. 1:45:00

saturday: 11, cerros. 2200ft. 2:00:00. very hard run with Quim. we were both feeling unusually rested and strong. Luckily, not at the same during the run. He pulled me up the first climb and then I led for the longer descent and climb. The final ascent we raced each other. I felt pretty shitty but was secretly pleased to see that he, too, was super thrashed at the summit. Getting better.

Sun: 16.5 miles. 3:50:00. 3000ft. This was, perhaps, the gnarliest run I have had in ages. For whatever reason, I decided to head out with the hydration pack during the hottest part of the day (90F+) and intentionally low on calories (which I've been carefully adding to my running weeks). This was a successful run on two fronts: 1) i did find some new trails along a previously unexplored ridge line. 2) If my goal was a "bonk" run...I succeeded in spades, as I bonked massively and had very dramatic run back home. However, this was also a really weird run. The unbelievable heat and intensity of the sun truly did a number on my psychology. Towards the end of the route, during the last legit climb, I was listening to music and very deep into the Cave of Hurting when the song suddenly started breathing super loud and monster-like.

I whipped off my headphones, turned and saw a stray dog basically dying under a bush next to me. The dog looked me straight in the eyes while panting so hard that it appeared to have spasms. I didn't have any water left at this point and, frankly, was unsure if the dog was going to come at me (which the stray dogs here are wont to do). For more seconds than I would have preferred, we stared at each other while vultures circled around above us (not kidding). The whole thing really bummed me out for the rest of the run and I'm sure I'll have some decent nightmares about the sound of the dog's panting. If you've ever wondered what would happen if people in the U.S. stopped spaying/neutering their dogs, just come on down to either central or south america and bask in the terrible reality of roaming dog packs that infest every city. pigeons might move out of your way, but 10 hungry dogs don't.

I don't know why I felt compelled to post the previous rant concerning ultrarunning. It's really sort of stupid. I'll keep running whatever distance I want, whenever I want, regardless. I still am struggling to understand how, in a world filled with limitless hobbies, there are people who want to spend their time expounding matter-of-factly on the desires/motivations of people that they don't know. That wasn't interesting when little girls and boys used to talk about stuff like that in grade school and it isn't interesting now. Quit it. Go watch football or baseball and yell at the TV. It cares a lot. That's my last word on the subject, I hope.

"Heedlessly Headless" Weekender 12/4/11

Mon - 8 miles to the Virgen and back. 1:10:00. 600ft.

Tues- 10 miles around campus. 3 x 1 mile. 6:40, 6:25, 6:20. 1:15:00 weights after.

Wed- 7 miles to Torres. 1:00:00. 1000ft.

Thurs- 14 miles. torres, virgen, horse pasture in reverse, virgen again, then down the road back home. 2:30:00. 2200ft.

Fri- 9 miles. 1500ft. 1:30:00

Sat- 10 miles. 1800ft. 2:00:00

Sun- Siete Tazas. 22 miles. 7:00:00. 5,000 ft.

80 miles. 16.5 hours. 12,100 ft.

this was a pretty good week. i came home from a 14 hour workday on monday and still went for a night run. that was good, mentally. i did not do the 6 x 30 sec uphill intervals this week, but i did lift legs on tuesday. the long run on sunday was only so-so, as evident by the long hours and modest distance/elevation. went to Parque Ingles for the first time, not knowing what it was like. the views are good, but it's mostly a very long and flat trail that wraps gently around the mountains in the park. Quim and I opted to climb the first big hill we came to, which featured 1800ft. of ascent in about 1.2 miles...so, over 25% grade for that one. it was slow going, sand and scree, with some actual climbing over short rock faces. we ran along the ridge for a little bit, looking for a good route down. we ended up getting pretty screwed, with some very sketchy and unsafe scrambling along the edge of some sharp drop-offs before finally finding a way to get back down. we attempted to find another route to the top of Comillo del Diablo, but as time began running short, we opted to head back. Mentally, i felt sort of shitty all day. i think that without clear objectives (like the different sites in Vilches Alto), i end up feeling like the run has no form or direction.

took some good photos of a side of Descabezado that I haven't seen before. the top looks mostly snow free at this point, but everyone says the winds are so strong right now that climbing it is pretty slow going. in order to manage the one-day trip from Vilches Alto to the volcano's peak, i still think it's best to wait until mid-January when the winds are low and the odds are good of doing the trip A.F.A.P.

slowly getting stronger on my climbing, slowly dropping some weight and getting ready for whatever fun stuff I can think up for summer vacation from work (January and February, haha! Gotta love the inverted seasons here. I still can't believe it's almost Christmas and the days are just getting hotter and hotter. constant sun and 80's everyday.)

Weekender 11/27/11

46 miles, 8 hours

mon - 0

tues - 8 (4 out, easy. 4 back, harder, 6:50's) weights, lower. core.

wed - 7 to the cell towers. 1:10:00

thurs - 13 around tree nursery. weights, upper. core.

fri - 10, added 6 x 30sec hill intervals after a 2 mile w/u

sat - went to Punta de Lobos beach to celebrate a belated thanksgiving. got drunk, tried surfing. nice time.

sun - 8 along the beach in Pichilemu, came back on the roads. last mile at 6:40 with considerable rolling hills.

The previous two weeks were hopefully the start of a consistent change to my weekly running. That said, this week's omission of the long run was both unplanned and very welcome. I felt tired all week, but happy in that I still forced myself to suffer through the slightly faster tuesday run and the always delightful hill repeats.

"Trench Footloose and Fancy Freak" Weekly 11/20/11

66 miles. 13:40:00. 10,800 ft.

Hahahaha! Check THAT out! Yeah, sure it could be the westcoast "W" ...but in this case it isn't. It's definitely the Wu "W." doubtless.

It's also a sign from God that I need to run the W circuit in Torres del Paine and reset the FKT for that route. Quim and I ran this 30 mile route today in anticipation of summiting Volcan Descabezado and returning all in one day. It should be about 80K roundtrip and, according to several local guides and the manager of the park office, has never been done. by anyone. ever. which is super fucking rad, as far as I'm concerned.

Mon- "I brush my teats!" the students tell me. I respond: "nipple clamps would be more fun, I think"

Tues- 6 widdle piddly miles. 6 x 400m all in the high 80:00's. (those are minutes). 50 minutes. then, i lifted some weights. and by "weights" i mean tits. and by "lift" i mean caressed. and by "some" i mean "my." ...yeah, that was a bit stupid, but the set up was worth it. it was. ZERO feet of climbing.

wed- mothers, don't let your sons grow up to be huasos.

thurs- 10 miles 2:10:00. felt horrible. 1,500 ft.

friday- 12 miles 2:20:00. felt better. watched the huasos wrangle a herd of horses. mothers, maybe possibly consider letting your sons grow up to be huasos. 2,000 ft.

sat- 8 miles 90:00 (those are seconds). the night before, i went out with friends and two of Talca's imported basketball professionals. you gotta understand, for one: there are no black people in talca and hardly no black people in chile. for two: these guys are like 7 ft. tall and gigantic. it was really funny seeing them next to my friend Maria who is maybe 5ft tall in heels. we had a nice time and i danced too hard again (by dance i absolutely mean "drink"). anyway, this run was pretty horrible and hungover. please understand, i'm not making excuses for a lousy performance or complaining. hangovers of any stripe do not bother me in the least anymore. HOWEVER, and very frankly, i would like this to be less of a reoccurring theme on my blog. 500 ft.

sun- 30 miles. 6:50:00. Vilches Alto. Got hailed on. But no sweat, my pet, 'cause then I got my beer on ...AAAND i got my horrifying pork/fried egss/french fries/onions ON! 6800 ft.

Man, the meat puppets were a pretty goddamn good band. I mean, they still might be...but...you know. fuck that.

Lucho's podcasts are the best thing on the internet right now:

...If you yearn to feel the burn: http://www.enduranceplanet.com/tag/ultrarunning/

"Bust Yer Hump and Do the Rump" Weekly 11/13/11

Tres Cuernos on the right.

Quim standing on the edge of the supposed ancient UFO landing, El Enladrillado.

"Bajamos al río?" he asks...no, we should not fucking bajamos to the río.

Could we have a liter of Chile's blandest, please? a 2011, perhaps? An excellent year.

I've been consciously trying to change my running week lately. The new job is helping. A lot more days off than is typical, but the mileage is coming up and I still hit 14 hours of running in just 4 runs. I really liked how this felt. My plan is to continue to run fewer days per week, but run longer on those days that I do get out and, of course, continue to try to improve my ascending strength and my descending skill (hopefully). That is all.

Mon- off. taught from 8:30am to 8:00pm.

Tues- 1:15:00 - 10 miles, w/u and tempo. lifted weights afterwards.

Wed- off. taught all day.

Thurs- 4:00:00 hours, 18 miles. summited large cerro that i had attempted last week. tricky route through the farms and quite a bit of crawling under barbed wire, but i got there. the view was excellent.

Fri- off. Mid day drunk turned into all day drunk. Sneaky little bugger.

Sat- 2:45:00 - 14 miles. explored some different routes around the horse hills.

Sun- 6:00:00 - 25 miles. went to the mountains with Quim for a good long run. I ate about 400 calories all day, but drank about 4.5 liters of water. ended the run feeling surprisingly good. Post-run snack= Empanada de Pino (filling is meat, onions, olives and hard-boiled egg) and beer. Then, back in Talca we went for the ol' plate of fries/porkchops/onions/fried eggs "lomo a lo pobre"...and more beer. I was powerful thirsty after the fries, but luckily, I still had some beer in the fridge at home.

67 miles. 14:00:00

Tell'em how it was Bill...

"'Free Tequila' is an Oxymoron" Weekender 11/6

Something about our friend on the left there makes me feel funny in my running shorts.

Yep, that's the ol' trail there on the right. This is scary upon descent, but...you know, fun.

Horses are pretty rad. Horse skeletons are radder. My least favorite vegetable is the raddish.

No long run would complete without coming across something weird. Mannequin arm, you'll do just fine.

A shot looking back towards the mellow side of the cell tower climb. Talca's just over the ridge. In the distance, you can see those crazy old Andes doin' their thing: namely, being awesome and huge.

On Friday night, a spirited young man approached my lady friend and I at the bar with just one simple question: "Who wants tequila shots? My treat!" ...after some initial skepticism, we capitulated (4 times) and I wound up dancing reggaeton so hard my right hip hurt the next morning...or maybe it hurt, I'm not sure because I woke up still completely hammered. That sort of hard and fast drinking often ends up being a smart investment in your future: you can't have a hangover if you're still drunk. FACT.

47 miles in 4 runs this week. I didn't really "get after it" in any sense, but with the halloween party on monday, the mammoth hangover on tuesday AND starting a real job...I feel pretty satisfied with everything. the runs were all 2 hours + with lots of climbing. Thursday i did the 6 x 30 sec uphill intervals, a workout i am planning on keeping for the next several weeks.

Today, I tried to find a route to a distant hilltop that I'd been eyeing for a few weeks, but gave up after running in circles through farms and nurseries without getting any closer to the base. it was 80F and i ran out of water, so decided i'd try again next week. still, it was a good 3.5 hour run and I was still able to put down a sub-7 mile on the way home on pavement.

Quim and Gabby keep throwing around the idea of running a road marathon in december or january...I have access to the university track, so i'm considering actually running around it a few times just so i can play with my watch a lot and hate my life.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

Love,

Pat.

p.s

Just checked the NYC marathon results. Has anything in the world gotten bitch-slapped harder this year than the marathon distance? Goddamn!

"Ho humb" Weekender 10/30

5o miles. twisted the ankle monday morning, heard a nice celery-snap "crunch!" and thought "jesus mother of god you fucking asshole what did you just do to your poor ankle?!?!" ...it was just a wee sprain and everything is gravy after just being super thoughtful to it and taking it for dinner, backrubs, white wine, etc. good long run in the andes on sunday. post-run meal was chorillana, the mother of hangover of foods...plate of fries topped with sausage, pork, grilled onions and two fried eggs. fuck you, heart! try to beat your way out of THAT!

"My Chinese Rug" Weekender 10/23/11

Monday- off. saw planet of the apes in spanish. had a nightmare about talking gorillas.

tues- over las torres, to end of horse pasture ridge. this has become the new daily standard. 9 miles round trip w/ maybe 1200 ft. of climbing (same for descent) depending on the route. typically this takes 90 minutes at the slowest and about 1:15 at the fastest. sometimes i choose to take a very unorthodox route to the towers, which yields a much slower time (and many many more thorn holes in my arms and

wed- same, with Quim who seems all bounced-back.

thurs- off. the blisters on my feet are giving me some hell.

friday- off. same.

saturday- 9 miles.

sun- 12 miles.

The issue this week were the blisters left over from the 80K. This is the first time in years that I've had blisters, so I suppose I should be grateful. I had forgotten how to deal with them well and opted to A) wait a couple days for the tissue to chill the fuck out and B) make small incisions at the top of each to let them dry up. So far, so good. They were caused by a combination of the very steep and persistent downhill running/shoe-skiing from the race and the steady degradation of my running form as I got tired. Moving along.

39 miles.

If evil's how they're livin', hell's whatcha give'em.

-Pat.